The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
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Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.