90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
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If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Mood.. 😂
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*