90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
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[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.