Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
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I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Free him
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder