Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
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Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
We avoided this particular disaster
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
consequences, the bane of my existence
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no