A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
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After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present