plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
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I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Yes, but it was never about money
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you