I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
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I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
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I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
I feel this so hard
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
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ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*