I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.
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*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
that de-escalated quickly
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
Support your local cemetery
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”