Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go![]()
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My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Can’t. Being lazy.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
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I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
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A drum solo but on your face.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
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when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
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I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
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*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysittingforgive me
they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges