I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
You Might Also Like
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
😜
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.