If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
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If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro