When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
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*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Herpes is trending, good job people
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.