fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
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[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them