Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
You Might Also Like
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
OMG 🤣🤣
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
i was baptized in a car wash
Go hard or stay average