Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
You Might Also Like
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.