LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
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Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog