“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
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I told my vodka about you.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.