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ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
I know
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Venn
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.