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an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?