GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
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Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.