Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
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I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.