Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
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PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.