Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
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*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
*puts my mental health in rice
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
At least try to make it slightly believable
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Broom by every window for quick escape.