I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
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I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Are you a cat person or a person person?
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!