they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
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I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today