Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
You Might Also Like
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.