the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
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The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
hackers play passwordle
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.