“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
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if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores