A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
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I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Ion see the issue
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”