I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
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2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.