Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
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mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.