Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.

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A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.


[Army Shooting Range]

Officer: Are you locked & loaded?

Soldiers: YES SIR!

Officer: You may fire at will!

Soldier Named Will: WTF?


Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open


My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.


Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.


Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.


[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.


haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there