Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
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[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.