[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
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I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
All generalizations are stupid.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol