My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
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Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”