To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
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Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
when dads have a rap battle
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Well, shit
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.