A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
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Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
When you’ve simply given up.
…u ok Nintendo?
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.