When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
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DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
A French press is when you hug naked
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium