I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
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Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat