HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
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I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text