[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
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I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.