Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
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[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
that colleague who touches your screen
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV