The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
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I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.