When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
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I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*