Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
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When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!