Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
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Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.