I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
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Lol.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎