I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
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My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.