Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
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A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Holy moly
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.