4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
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Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right