Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
You Might Also Like
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Do not levitate over flowers
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.