If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
You Might Also Like
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I’m sure it’s fine.